When I buy something online, I don’t want to receive more than two emails: one to confirm my order has been received, and another to tell me when it will be delivered. The numerous notifications we receive while browsing, buying and then waiting for delivery are presumably meant to be reassuring. But since when is harassment reassuring?
Imagine a world in which the second you walk into a shop, someone taps you on the shoulder and asks: “Can I help you today?” Then someone asks for your email address in exchange for a 5% discount. When you find what you are looking for and place it in your basket, this instigates more nuisance. “Hurry! Twenty-one other people have this in their basket too!” Of course 21 other people have this in their basket, it’s shower gel and a significant number of people shower. This doesn’t make you rush. It makes you thrilled that the consensus remains in favour of personal hygiene. You wander around the shop a bit more. Someone grabs your arm. “There is still an item in your basket. Don’t forget to check out!”
At the till, there are more questions. “Do you want to give us your information, or check out as a guest?” You check out as a guest. People are meant to be kind to guests. But, after paying, someone screams into your face. “Sign up to this third-party website that has nothing to do with the store and get £15 CASHBACK!!!!!” It couldn’t sound more nefarious. You race out of the shop, pursued by a final assailant. “How did we do? Please rate our service from one to 5!”
The bus ride home is no quieter. The driver remarkably announces: “Your item has been dispatched.” An old man next to you nudges your ribs and sagely whispers into your ear: “Your item is on its way.”
When you make it home you are greeted by someone who has broken into your house to tell you: “Your item has arrived!” They then run off. They have stolen nothing but your time.
At least it is all over. Your transaction is complete. You get into the shower and the cascading water brings you peace at last. Until you read the request that has been etched into the steam on the bathroom mirror. “Please review your purchase!”
You do not. Because it is a toiletry item. It was made by a multinational conglomerate, not Andrew Lloyd Webber. And you are tired.
Please. If you are a retailer, and you are reading this – leave me alone.
