I have no idea if you know who I am, but I was asked to deliver this year’s alternative Christmas message (which I’ve heard is a big deal) so I hope you do, but if not I host what you call a chatshow (we call it a talkshow) in what you call the colonies, I think? I honestly have no idea what’s going on over there.
I do know what’s going on over here though, and I can tell you that, from a fascism perspective, this has been a really great year. Tyranny is booming over here.
You may have read in your colourful newspapers that my country’s president would like to shut me up – because I don’t adore him in the way he likes to be adored. The American government made a threat against me and the company I work for, and all of a sudden we were off the air. But then, you know what happened? A Christmas miracle happened. Well, it was September. It was a September miracle. But the holiday does seem to come earlier and earlier every year, doesn’t it?
Millions and millions of people stood up and said: “No, this is not acceptable.” People who never watched my show, people who were on record saying they hate my show spoke out, they marched. They did this all to support the right to a free expression of speech – and because so many people spoke out, we came back. Our show came back stronger than ever. We won, the president lost – and now I’m back on the air every night, givin’ the most powerful politician on Earth a right, and richly deserved, bollocking. That’s a word, right – I used it properly?
And the reason I’m telling you this story is because maybe you’re thinking: “Oh a government silencing its critics is something that happens in places like Russia, or North Korea, or LA, not the UK.” Well, that’s what we thought, and now we’ve got King Donny the Eighth calling for executions. It happens fast.
You know, it’s funny, we Americans are very proud of not having a king. It’s kind of why we left. Earlier this year tens of millions of us marched at protests called No Kings. You had some of those there. And just for the record we have nothing against your king. I mean I don’t know if you know this, but his son lives here. We just – well some of us – have a problem with the guy who thinks he is our king.
Here in the United States right now, we are both figuratively and literally tearing down the structures of our democracy. From the free press, to science, to medicine, to judicial independence, to the actual White House itself, we are a right mess. And we know this is also affecting you, and I just wanted to say sorry. And we want you to know or, at least I want you to know, that we’re not all like him. We’re not all like that.
Look I know (from the musical Hamilton) that our countries didn’t start off on the greatest note, but I also know (from seeing Love Actually) that we have a special relationship. So, if I might speak on behalf of my country – which I most certainly do not – our message to you, our friends across the pond this Christmas is: don’t give up on us. We’re going through a bit of a wobble right now, but we’ll come around. It may not seem like it, but we love you guys. We even love the things about you that you don’t like. Like Simon Cowell, for instance. We are not bright. We’re Americans. No one knows better than you we’re always just a little bit late to the game, but do we come through in the end? Maybe. Give us about three years. Please. Thank you for your patience, and thank you for Spider-Man. Merry Christmas, and happy holidays.
